Too Much

February 26, 2016

~Is it possible to feel too much? 

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Like others deemed too emotional, I do a fairly decent job at feeling and revealing my emotions in response to circumstances life delivers. I do not hide them nor do I tuck them away, in general. There may be a few instances where I find it important to close shop. I may retreat to my home, my room. With this does come a guilt of my dishonesty, rather sin of omission. I don’t mean this in an arrogant way. 

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Some may see this expression as a lack of strength. Maybe it is in a few specific circles. Sometimes it seems a curse. I do fall apart. Then I occasionally find a strength I didn’t know I possessed, though I do not see myself as a steel magnolia. There have been several points in time where I wanted the ground to open beneath my feet and cover me whole with soil, never to feel fear and pain again. If I were to be this southern flower, it would surely take me a long time to reinforce my inner strength, to find my steel interior. In and with some situations the fear never leaves and it whispers in my ear daily. 

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When I wrote previously, a decent job, those perhaps were the wrong words to choose. Feeling is not a choice. The resulting reaction of expressing said feeling and how to do so is often a choice. I wouldn’t say they always are. It may simply be that this heart and soul lives in the extreme. It just is. It is in my DNA and possibly yours, the known-to-some-as-dramatic reaction to life. Releasing emotions is healthy and necessary to communicate. Each of us does to varying degrees. To shut down and hide leaves you and the would be receiver lost. The emotion aches in you; there is a burn. Confusion is the receiver’s gift. 

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Do I feel too much? I do not see how one can unless there exists a mental illness twisting the feel and release of emotions. For myself and possibly you, I see this personality trait at times a heavy load, but overall a gift. I feel deeply always. It can be exhausting and at the same time exhilarating. If I become drained, which I do allow myself to become, I know I have seen the emotion through fully. I can move forward in a way refreshed. I couldn’t have lived more than to feel it all and deeply. To some I laugh too often and too hard, but to do so is one of the more pleasurable feelings of which we are capable. Why not feel and express something this wondrous fully? I cry, hard and completely. I get spitting angry and cuss. I feel such a release when I do so. I know some believe cursing is indicative of a lack of vocabulary, but to me it carries the same fullness of life as does slamming a door, or a belly laugh, or tears at beautiful music.

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While cradling my babies I felt more of this earth, more human than I thought possible and I never felt more warm love. Caring for another is, I believe, the way we are to live. Life cannot be lived fully alone. Overwhelming feelings of nurturing and protecting create connections that support us as the human race. That type of love, that for our children, for others, is primal. Emotions and their depth make us human. 

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Being human is feeling all the emotions afforded us, and to experience them is to experience the entire spectrum of our personal humanity. It is to share our common nature. It is to sincerely live amongst and with each other. I believe I have answered my initial question and the answer is no. 

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Mary Jane Goodman 2016 February