Mary Jane's Shoes

Mary Jane's Shoes

Musings of one person among many. Not exceptional in any way, as with all, I have exceptional experiences and varied reactions to those events. Mine is one of many life stories and how I manage and cope with the events which make my life my own, I attempt to put forth by way of my writings.

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Blessed and Feeling Guilt

May 22, 2013

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” – Dalai Lama
To begin a piece with a quote is not generally considered proper. I could not help myself with the words above.I know I fail many times over; I am human and humans do fall into traps where their focus is misplaced, where kindness is not a priority. If there exists any real purpose to living, I believe this purpose is to support those merely surviving life with fear, hurt or worry. It is to help those whom are not able to see the wonder and thrill in the simplest and most natural of life’s gifts, see them.

I often feel much guilt in that I have been overly blessed and that I periodically lose sight of that fact. I feel guilt that I complain. I feel guilt that I often have to reiterate the knowledge of how beautiful my life is to my own self. I feel guilt that I spend too much time on me.

I want to have a positive impact in this world before I leave it. Again there exists guilt because I worry my thoughts are not purely altruistic. I often wish I had the mindset of those that seem to give their lives to others without thought to themselves other than good health, food and water, shelter of any sort, and minimal clothing.

I wish I were a better person. No fishing here. This is just a truth. I believe many, many others think the same as I do. Wouldn’t this world be a spectacular place if each acted on those feelings?

Tonight I will worry about how dinner will taste to others; I will get annoyed when my kids do not go to bed when I tell them to do so. I will worry that I ate too much. How ironic in this world too worry of such. I will worry that I might not sleep well though I have a comfy bed on which to sleep. I will curse myself as I jump out of bed to charge a laptop, I am fortunate to have, when I have forgotten to do so before I climbed into bed with a totally human, ever so loving husband. I will again worry that my alarm may not awaken me, though I have a mini-computer at my side set to a favorite song at a selected time to act as backup. The sun rising and a bird singing should be enough.  Again, through each minute wasted on paltry issues, I will feel the ever present hand of guilt on my shoulder.

There is more guilt as I am aware of what needs to be done and I recognize this lack of help from myself. I will try to behave in a more loving compassionate way, though I will always be ashamed of my lack of involvement and absence in working to see others have the necessities of life and find joy in the simplest of life’s offerings.

More than guilt, there is shame.

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