Mary Jane's Shoes

Mary Jane's Shoes

Musings of one person among many. Not exceptional in any way, as with all, I have exceptional experiences and varied reactions to those events. Mine is one of many life stories and how I manage and cope with the events which make my life my own, I attempt to put forth by way of my writings.

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Honest Words, Trying to Break from OCD

December 9, 2009 , , , , , , ,

I have been through some of the therapy; I have been through meds for this disorder.  OCD.  Today was the end of a 5 day separation.  I stayed away while my incredible family attempted to create a home again.  A this point I am scared to go to the house.  I know that once I enter, it will not feel as if it is my home.  That is the OCD speaking.  I will have a home in my head, all in order by the alphabet, color or subject.  I suppose reviewing this is a coping mechanism.  At the moment, this is how I can tolerate the changes.  Crazy to feel this way, considering I live to be with my kids every moment of the day, to be a loving parent, to make a wonderful home filled with laughter, to really live and experience life IN our home.   Funny, I would write articles and send them to national magazines on the subject of parenting, always rejected, but I tried.  This was in the 80’s and 90’s.  I did get “published” once.  The publication was Charleston’s Parent monthly news “mag”.  I actually used to be an awesome mom, not really, but I was pretty darn good. My husband wants that person back.

This will be the best thing that has ever happened to my children and my husband, well that was a stupid statement.  Concerning my disorder, yes that maybe true.  Hope that nothing as tumultuous is again a part of their lives.  Maybe I can continue on the positive path that has been started.  I so need to let go of the issues swirling through my head.  I very much want  for them to live their own lives without my monster.  Can I possibly be the example of overcoming a hardship?  One of our children is already a master at that game, though it is no game.    Maybe I will be an example in another regard.

Tomorrow will be a personal victory.  However I respond, I still will have made it through the trauma, drama, the changes.  I realize this issue is trivial compared to other, more significant concerns.  My family is healthy at this time; we are so tightly bound that we can say the words we feel.  My girls are my best friends, my sister too.

I guess writing is one of the ways I am preparing for the shock that will come tomorrow morning.

Obviously I am frightened.  I do not know how I will react when I open the door.  I do know I have to accept the changes.  The girls will be at school or work.  Elliot will be in class, or the recording studio ;),  and Ben, Isaac and Noah will need to start math.  I have this feeling we may start the morning playing a game, Labyrinth.

It is 10:31. I am going to try to fall asleep.  Jen, Mary Caroline and Hannah, your phones will be ringing soon.

What do you think?

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