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I have been through some of the therapy; I have been through meds for this disorder. OCD. Today was the end of a 5 day separation. I stayed away while my incredible family attempted to create a home again. A this point I am scared to go to the house. I know that once I enter, it will not feel as if it is my home. That is the OCD speaking. I will have a home in my head, all in order by the alphabet, color or subject. I suppose reviewing this is a coping mechanism. At the moment, this is how I can tolerate the changes. Crazy to feel this way, considering I live to be with my kids every moment of the day, to be a loving parent, to make a wonderful home filled with laughter, to really live and experience life IN our home. Funny, I would write articles and send them to national magazines on the subject of parenting, always rejected, but I tried. This was in the 80’s and 90’s. I did get “published” once. The publication was Charleston’s Parent monthly news “mag”. I actually used to be an awesome mom, not really, but I was pretty darn good. My husband wants that person back.
This will be the best thing that has ever happened to my children and my husband, well that was a stupid statement. Concerning my disorder, yes that maybe true. Hope that nothing as tumultuous is again a part of their lives. Maybe I can continue on the positive path that has been started. I so need to let go of the issues swirling through my head. I very much want for them to live their own lives without my monster. Can I possibly be the example of overcoming a hardship? One of our children is already a master at that game, though it is no game. Maybe I will be an example in another regard.
Tomorrow will be a personal victory. However I respond, I still will have made it through the trauma, drama, the changes. I realize this issue is trivial compared to other, more significant concerns. My family is healthy at this time; we are so tightly bound that we can say the words we feel. My girls are my best friends, my sister too.
I guess writing is one of the ways I am preparing for the shock that will come tomorrow morning.
Obviously I am frightened. I do not know how I will react when I open the door. I do know I have to accept the changes. The girls will be at school or work. Elliot will be in class, or the recording studio ;), and Ben, Isaac and Noah will need to start math. I have this feeling we may start the morning playing a game, Labyrinth.
It is 10:31. I am going to try to fall asleep. Jen, Mary Caroline and Hannah, your phones will be ringing soon.
Mary Jane's Shoes 